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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?