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People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.