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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. Iām buying a sandwich.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese