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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.