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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I`m perfect you adjust.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.