Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.