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Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.