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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!