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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Reincarnation is my only hope.