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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.