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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
insert coin to view my status
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.