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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.