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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.