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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Hello...
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!