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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!