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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!