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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.