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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
This status is mine....I licked it.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
funny status idea: a funny and popular one