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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.