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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.