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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.