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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.