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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.