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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.