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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I give myself the best presents.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.