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Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!