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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.