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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.