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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!