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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.