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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
I dare you to spit on this status.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.