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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.