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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.