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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...