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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...