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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.