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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?