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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.