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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Your things are terrific.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.