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I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.