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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.