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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.