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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Not so great minds also think alike.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.