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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.