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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.