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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.