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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.