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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time