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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.