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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Hello...
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
So can we just skip to summer now?
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.