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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.