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When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.