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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?