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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.