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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...