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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.