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How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.