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When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…