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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!