Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.