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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.