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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.