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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
I like it like that
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out