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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...