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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Hard butter is the devil.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.