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With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss