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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?