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Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari